I'm trying.. trying so hard.. trying so hard that I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..
haru haru.. x
Finally realised that I'm nothing without you
I was wrong forgive me
My heart, crashing like the waves
My heart, shaking like the wind
My love, fades like smoke
Unable to erase like a tattoo
Sighing at the floor
Dust gathering at my heart
(Say goodbye)
Yeah, I was the one that thought I couldn't pass one day without you
But it's not like I thought, I'm living well by myself
Even when I call your name, you have no response
Even when I put my hopes up, it's useless now
--------------x--------------
like the star i wish upon, like the heart that's been damaged but is still working..
like the silence that's been suffering.. like the tears that's not allowed to cry.. like the songs that try to express the words of an empty heart.. like the people who hides their sadness with a smile.. like the people who say they love but don't cherish.. like me.. who's a victim of being unlucky in love.. x
Thursday, 27 November 2008
My head is hurting.
I keep climbing hoping things will change..
It's like moving mountains..#
From just reading my last blog, I know that all I've been talking about is this boy who's actually stolen my thoughts..and gave me this feeling that I don't seem to know or understand anymore..
Well.. I don't seem to know him as well as I used to.. is he the same guy I fell for last year? Or is he this total stranger that I do not know at all? I want to cry..
I want to cry.. let it out.. cry.. just cry... let me cry for once.. I've never cried because of you. Because to me, to you, you would think I'm weak. I don't want to waste my tears for you. You wouldn't want me to.... if you still had a piece of heart for me.. you wouldnt right?
Did you want me to be those type of girls?
The type to text you constantly.. telling you I missed you.. using all my energy for another simple chance? the type that would have so many screen names dedicated to you.. the type that would just make things obvious that all i want is you ?
It doesn't matter now.
I'm giving up. Slowly but surely. I'm giving up. And by the time we all realise we're growing up.
I've probably finished this chapter of my teenage life. Making you the infamous character that's stolen my childhood heart.. giving me the shortest, but sweetest time, and the most memorable time of younglove.
------------------x-------------------
It's like moving mountains..#
From just reading my last blog, I know that all I've been talking about is this boy who's actually stolen my thoughts..and gave me this feeling that I don't seem to know or understand anymore..
Well.. I don't seem to know him as well as I used to.. is he the same guy I fell for last year? Or is he this total stranger that I do not know at all? I want to cry..
I want to cry.. let it out.. cry.. just cry... let me cry for once.. I've never cried because of you. Because to me, to you, you would think I'm weak. I don't want to waste my tears for you. You wouldn't want me to.... if you still had a piece of heart for me.. you wouldnt right?
Did you want me to be those type of girls?
The type to text you constantly.. telling you I missed you.. using all my energy for another simple chance? the type that would have so many screen names dedicated to you.. the type that would just make things obvious that all i want is you ?
It doesn't matter now.
I'm giving up. Slowly but surely. I'm giving up. And by the time we all realise we're growing up.
I've probably finished this chapter of my teenage life. Making you the infamous character that's stolen my childhood heart.. giving me the shortest, but sweetest time, and the most memorable time of younglove.
------------------x-------------------
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Give up on young love.
It's pointless. Useless. and seriously a waste of energy.
The more I think about boys. The more I get stressed. I get really tired of hearing the same shit over and over again.
It's obviously a natural feeling. But it works your mind so much you just want to give up and not even bother think about it no more.
You think of all the possibilities why things happened and why things changed.. and then you think of why it happened in the first place. You wonder and wonder and wonder till your head begins to burst and all you really want to know is why.
As much as I want to focus on my education. As much as I want to concentrate on my GCSES. and As much as I want to know why...
I just can't stop thinking about you. It's been like what? Over a year and a half. A YEAR.
You've changed me.. I've changed. I've changed so much I don't even know who to trust anymore. I've closed my heart and shut chances out. I've become so over protective, that even if I tried to start over, my heart wouldn't accept it. I need you to tell me, no matter how much it will hurt. Just tell me. "fcuking get a grip".
Ever since I've met you. Ever since that day you held my hand. I wonder if ...
nothing. nevermind.
Doesn't matter.
Anyways. I'm too scared to know why. and I'm too confused why. x
The more I think about boys. The more I get stressed. I get really tired of hearing the same shit over and over again.
It's obviously a natural feeling. But it works your mind so much you just want to give up and not even bother think about it no more.
You think of all the possibilities why things happened and why things changed.. and then you think of why it happened in the first place. You wonder and wonder and wonder till your head begins to burst and all you really want to know is why.
As much as I want to focus on my education. As much as I want to concentrate on my GCSES. and As much as I want to know why...
I just can't stop thinking about you. It's been like what? Over a year and a half. A YEAR.
You've changed me.. I've changed. I've changed so much I don't even know who to trust anymore. I've closed my heart and shut chances out. I've become so over protective, that even if I tried to start over, my heart wouldn't accept it. I need you to tell me, no matter how much it will hurt. Just tell me. "fcuking get a grip".
Ever since I've met you. Ever since that day you held my hand. I wonder if ...
nothing. nevermind.
Doesn't matter.
Anyways. I'm too scared to know why. and I'm too confused why. x
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Staring at the bigger picture. x
Hmm, I'm so... indescribable.
I don't exactly know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's like the fog of my overcasting cloud is finally evaporating. The questions I used to wonder about have finally woken me up.
I've realised the people I thought who were just there were just there to see me fall and break... are actually the angels that heaven sent.
I used to like my bestfriend, I used to feel something different from him... now because of yesterday, I've realised, it wasn't that sort of like. It was just a different type of bond. Which I mentioned to him once. "Family Love" "Welcome to my family"
Now looking back from what we've been through, it's true, he's just like a brother to me.
Whenever I call him, we'll talk about our day, who made us upset or what's upsetting us. We'd go to detail and we'd just laugh things off. We even used to talk till the morning until one of us wants to go sleep... which most of the time is him! But I don't blame him, he's always tired.
When I want to go cruising, he would make an effort to come, even if he's tired... and even if he's got work in the morning.. he would still try come.
If I'm in trouble, or I call him, even though he takes timmmmeee to pick up and I need him to pick me up he would come, even if he was like 10 hours late, he would still come.
Me thinking that I liked him, was natural, because I'm a girl. But finally seeing the bigger picture, actually shows, I liked him because he treats me like a little sister. And he would be there for me. And I would be there for him.
I randomly text him, to say "heads up all smiles" because a negative person like that needs someone like me in their life :] .
And it's funny how he always reminds me when I don't seem to holla at him no more!
"See how you dont holla no more" is like his quote if we aint talked for a week.
Anyways, he's a little twat but I got bare love for my "anh". Feels weird knowing that he's like a brother to me now because, only just before that conversation he was my bestfriend.
But oh wells, I prefer being his little sister because therefore he has to look after me more.. and that don't mean putting me on lock!
-------------------------------------------x------
Yesterday was a day when it could've been something. It could've been something meaningful. 7/11/08... Sometimes I wonder if the number 7 means something to him... I wonder if he remembers what the number 7 brought between us.
I regret giving up what we had, and I'm glad that we took the risk for such a small moment that actually changed our lives to how it was never going to be the same again.
I wanted to scream your name, and I wanted to confront my feelings, and I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you because I felt cold, I felt broken, I felt that everything was my fault, I felt that I made the wrong mistake, I felt that I wasn't good enough for you.
I really wanted to hate you, but as much as I hated you, I missed you. I actually missed you. Listening to slowjams was the only thing that kept me sane.. because it sang my feelings, it said the things I wanted to tell you.. the things that made me wonder what we could have been... and why was I feeling this way.
Everytime I thought I've given you up, let go, forgotten about you, it feels there's something pulling me back. I tried so hard not to bother about you. I tried so hard to forget you. I tried so hard to think of reasons why you were gone..
But why isit that every attempt I give, I've never really been able to achieve forgetting you. Okay, let's not go on about "forgetting" obviously it's hard to forget you, you practically know most of the people I know. So durh mimiii.
At the end of the day, I've been living life pretty fine without you, still living life wondering if "us" was a mistake or destiny. But you're like a shadow in my life, you appear when you want to, but your actions are still distant from me.
If you ever think I've given up on you. I haven't.. just that the feelings might not be the same as it used to be. How I feel now about you, is like the matrix, so many unwritten and unsolved codes that I don't know who you really are to me. Just that, when you're down, I'm always willing to be there, but... don't take advantage of my kindness! I am human and I do have feelings and I'm a girl with hormones! hahaha.
And I've always wondered. Do you see me as a friend or as an ex? HmmMm.
Anyways... sorry I havent updated in a while.
Currently ILL.. "get well soon!" <3
I don't exactly know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's like the fog of my overcasting cloud is finally evaporating. The questions I used to wonder about have finally woken me up.
I've realised the people I thought who were just there were just there to see me fall and break... are actually the angels that heaven sent.
I used to like my bestfriend, I used to feel something different from him... now because of yesterday, I've realised, it wasn't that sort of like. It was just a different type of bond. Which I mentioned to him once. "Family Love" "Welcome to my family"
Now looking back from what we've been through, it's true, he's just like a brother to me.
Whenever I call him, we'll talk about our day, who made us upset or what's upsetting us. We'd go to detail and we'd just laugh things off. We even used to talk till the morning until one of us wants to go sleep... which most of the time is him! But I don't blame him, he's always tired.
When I want to go cruising, he would make an effort to come, even if he's tired... and even if he's got work in the morning.. he would still try come.
If I'm in trouble, or I call him, even though he takes timmmmeee to pick up and I need him to pick me up he would come, even if he was like 10 hours late, he would still come.
Me thinking that I liked him, was natural, because I'm a girl. But finally seeing the bigger picture, actually shows, I liked him because he treats me like a little sister. And he would be there for me. And I would be there for him.
I randomly text him, to say "heads up all smiles" because a negative person like that needs someone like me in their life :] .
And it's funny how he always reminds me when I don't seem to holla at him no more!
"See how you dont holla no more" is like his quote if we aint talked for a week.
Anyways, he's a little twat but I got bare love for my "anh". Feels weird knowing that he's like a brother to me now because, only just before that conversation he was my bestfriend.
But oh wells, I prefer being his little sister because therefore he has to look after me more.. and that don't mean putting me on lock!
-------------------------------------------x------
Yesterday was a day when it could've been something. It could've been something meaningful. 7/11/08... Sometimes I wonder if the number 7 means something to him... I wonder if he remembers what the number 7 brought between us.
I regret giving up what we had, and I'm glad that we took the risk for such a small moment that actually changed our lives to how it was never going to be the same again.
I wanted to scream your name, and I wanted to confront my feelings, and I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you because I felt cold, I felt broken, I felt that everything was my fault, I felt that I made the wrong mistake, I felt that I wasn't good enough for you.
I really wanted to hate you, but as much as I hated you, I missed you. I actually missed you. Listening to slowjams was the only thing that kept me sane.. because it sang my feelings, it said the things I wanted to tell you.. the things that made me wonder what we could have been... and why was I feeling this way.
Everytime I thought I've given you up, let go, forgotten about you, it feels there's something pulling me back. I tried so hard not to bother about you. I tried so hard to forget you. I tried so hard to think of reasons why you were gone..
But why isit that every attempt I give, I've never really been able to achieve forgetting you. Okay, let's not go on about "forgetting" obviously it's hard to forget you, you practically know most of the people I know. So durh mimiii.
At the end of the day, I've been living life pretty fine without you, still living life wondering if "us" was a mistake or destiny. But you're like a shadow in my life, you appear when you want to, but your actions are still distant from me.
If you ever think I've given up on you. I haven't.. just that the feelings might not be the same as it used to be. How I feel now about you, is like the matrix, so many unwritten and unsolved codes that I don't know who you really are to me. Just that, when you're down, I'm always willing to be there, but... don't take advantage of my kindness! I am human and I do have feelings and I'm a girl with hormones! hahaha.
And I've always wondered. Do you see me as a friend or as an ex? HmmMm.
Anyways... sorry I havent updated in a while.
Currently ILL.. "get well soon!" <3
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