DAY BY DAY..

I'm trying.. trying so hard.. trying so hard that I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..

haru haru.. x

Finally realised that I'm nothing without you
I was wrong forgive me
My heart, crashing like the waves
My heart, shaking like the wind
My love, fades like smoke
Unable to erase like a tattoo
Sighing at the floor
Dust gathering at my heart
(Say goodbye)

Yeah, I was the one that thought I couldn't pass one day without you
But it's not like I thought, I'm living well by myself
Even when I call your name, you have no response
Even when I put my hopes up, it's useless now

--------------x--------------

like the star i wish upon, like the heart that's been damaged but is still working..
like the silence that's been suffering.. like the tears that's not allowed to cry.. like the songs that try to express the words of an empty heart.. like the people who hides their sadness with a smile.. like the people who say they love but don't cherish.. like me.. who's a victim of being unlucky in love.. x

My head is hurting.

I keep climbing hoping things will change..
It's like moving mountains..#

From just reading my last blog, I know that all I've been talking about is this boy who's actually stolen my thoughts..and gave me this feeling that I don't seem to know or understand anymore..

Well.. I don't seem to know him as well as I used to.. is he the same guy I fell for last year? Or is he this total stranger that I do not know at all? I want to cry..

I want to cry.. let it out.. cry.. just cry... let me cry for once.. I've never cried because of you. Because to me, to you, you would think I'm weak. I don't want to waste my tears for you. You wouldn't want me to.... if you still had a piece of heart for me.. you wouldnt right?
Did you want me to be those type of girls?
The type to text you constantly.. telling you I missed you.. using all my energy for another simple chance? the type that would have so many screen names dedicated to you.. the type that would just make things obvious that all i want is you ?

It doesn't matter now.
I'm giving up. Slowly but surely. I'm giving up. And by the time we all realise we're growing up.
I've probably finished this chapter of my teenage life. Making you the infamous character that's stolen my childhood heart.. giving me the shortest, but sweetest time, and the most memorable time of younglove.

------------------x-------------------

Give up on young love.

It's pointless. Useless. and seriously a waste of energy.

The more I think about boys. The more I get stressed. I get really tired of hearing the same shit over and over again.
It's obviously a natural feeling. But it works your mind so much you just want to give up and not even bother think about it no more.
You think of all the possibilities why things happened and why things changed.. and then you think of why it happened in the first place. You wonder and wonder and wonder till your head begins to burst and all you really want to know is why.
As much as I want to focus on my education. As much as I want to concentrate on my GCSES. and As much as I want to know why...
I just can't stop thinking about you. It's been like what? Over a year and a half. A YEAR.
You've changed me.. I've changed. I've changed so much I don't even know who to trust anymore. I've closed my heart and shut chances out. I've become so over protective, that even if I tried to start over, my heart wouldn't accept it. I need you to tell me, no matter how much it will hurt. Just tell me. "fcuking get a grip".
Ever since I've met you. Ever since that day you held my hand. I wonder if ...
nothing. nevermind.
Doesn't matter.

Anyways. I'm too scared to know why. and I'm too confused why. x

Staring at the bigger picture. x

Hmm, I'm so... indescribable.
I don't exactly know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's like the fog of my overcasting cloud is finally evaporating. The questions I used to wonder about have finally woken me up.
I've realised the people I thought who were just there were just there to see me fall and break... are actually the angels that heaven sent.
I used to like my bestfriend, I used to feel something different from him... now because of yesterday, I've realised, it wasn't that sort of like. It was just a different type of bond. Which I mentioned to him once. "Family Love" "Welcome to my family"
Now looking back from what we've been through, it's true, he's just like a brother to me.
Whenever I call him, we'll talk about our day, who made us upset or what's upsetting us. We'd go to detail and we'd just laugh things off. We even used to talk till the morning until one of us wants to go sleep... which most of the time is him! But I don't blame him, he's always tired.
When I want to go cruising, he would make an effort to come, even if he's tired... and even if he's got work in the morning.. he would still try come.
If I'm in trouble, or I call him, even though he takes timmmmeee to pick up and I need him to pick me up he would come, even if he was like 10 hours late, he would still come.
Me thinking that I liked him, was natural, because I'm a girl. But finally seeing the bigger picture, actually shows, I liked him because he treats me like a little sister. And he would be there for me. And I would be there for him.
I randomly text him, to say "heads up all smiles" because a negative person like that needs someone like me in their life :] .
And it's funny how he always reminds me when I don't seem to holla at him no more!
"See how you dont holla no more" is like his quote if we aint talked for a week.

Anyways, he's a little twat but I got bare love for my "anh". Feels weird knowing that he's like a brother to me now because, only just before that conversation he was my bestfriend.
But oh wells, I prefer being his little sister because therefore he has to look after me more.. and that don't mean putting me on lock!

-------------------------------------------x------

Yesterday was a day when it could've been something. It could've been something meaningful. 7/11/08... Sometimes I wonder if the number 7 means something to him... I wonder if he remembers what the number 7 brought between us.
I regret giving up what we had, and I'm glad that we took the risk for such a small moment that actually changed our lives to how it was never going to be the same again.
I wanted to scream your name, and I wanted to confront my feelings, and I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you because I felt cold, I felt broken, I felt that everything was my fault, I felt that I made the wrong mistake, I felt that I wasn't good enough for you.
I really wanted to hate you, but as much as I hated you, I missed you. I actually missed you. Listening to slowjams was the only thing that kept me sane.. because it sang my feelings, it said the things I wanted to tell you.. the things that made me wonder what we could have been... and why was I feeling this way.
Everytime I thought I've given you up, let go, forgotten about you, it feels there's something pulling me back. I tried so hard not to bother about you. I tried so hard to forget you. I tried so hard to think of reasons why you were gone..
But why isit that every attempt I give, I've never really been able to achieve forgetting you. Okay, let's not go on about "forgetting" obviously it's hard to forget you, you practically know most of the people I know. So durh mimiii.
At the end of the day, I've been living life pretty fine without you, still living life wondering if "us" was a mistake or destiny. But you're like a shadow in my life, you appear when you want to, but your actions are still distant from me.
If you ever think I've given up on you. I haven't.. just that the feelings might not be the same as it used to be. How I feel now about you, is like the matrix, so many unwritten and unsolved codes that I don't know who you really are to me. Just that, when you're down, I'm always willing to be there, but... don't take advantage of my kindness! I am human and I do have feelings and I'm a girl with hormones! hahaha.
And I've always wondered. Do you see me as a friend or as an ex? HmmMm.

Anyways... sorry I havent updated in a while.
Currently ILL.. "get well soon!" <3

Feeling different. x

I wish I knew the real you. I wish you opened up to me so I'll know the real you. I wish I was the only one who knew when you was down so I could be the only person to put that smile back on your face. I wish I'd be the first person you'd call when you've got either good or bad news.

Will I ever be the one?

......
I'm so frustrated with this life. I love it, no doubt. But the people a part of it. Gets me sooooo confused and aggravated about it. Like the unpredictable. If I end up cutting people out, don't blame me. I'm sick and tired of pretending to be nice to people I sincerely don't like. There's no point at all of wasting my energy of being fake. It's not like I'm going to be evil or turn into a wicked witch just because I don't like them.. I just won't talk to them. They can bitch as much as they like. It's understandable that they do. But like... who's bothered about that? They can bullshit as much as they rarseclart want because whatever makes them feel better isn't doing much damage to me.. unfortunately. And... they shouldn't get too excited if I say something back.. I won't go down to their levels.. I rise above it alie.. I don't need to say anything.. because all has been said you gemme. I don't shit stir. I don't give a shit.
I don't understand how people can bitch nicely about other people and still be so friendly with the people they just bitched about. I would feel so AKWARD talking to them. That's something I can't do. That's BULLOCKS. hahahaha. If their talent is being fake, then good for them. They deserve the OSCAR award for being the no.1 fake friend in the world.. Is this the Barbie world or the REAL WORLD?
People like that, get me mad, 1. Why would you be fake in the first place? 2. Are you being real or are you being fake now? 3. Who are you? and last of all... What is the fcuking point?
I don't get it. Wasting energy, being nice to people you like. Wait. Do you like me? LOL. Or am I someone you want to carry on bitching about in the long run?
Don't take me for a dickhead. Because people who really do that, should take a look at themselves. They're lifeless. They need a life. Is this really their life? They really need a reality check..
Bitch bitch bitch. Oh please. Get a life bitch.

:] x

Yesterday was FUN FUN FUN :]
i love my "bestiie" car and hay0 :] they made my day. i went sleep shooooo0k with smiles! :]
hahaha . the making my day started around 8ish? hahah.. i called bestiie and begged him to take me out cos i was bare b0red.. i felt so baad though cos he was ill.. but i was hungry.
Then I HoLLa'rd at hay0 and we went back t0 her ends to get s0me shiiet of hers :]
(weeeed) LOL just kidding. JAMMMMMM!
haha. we went mc'kiie Ds! :] to jamm and chiLL. hahaha.. den trekked all the way to clapham junction..
OH YEAH. i topped up petrol. 10 BAR on the DOT. :]
anyways. we went adsa to buy baking mix yeah.. me = cookie mix . hay0 = chocolate sponge
went back to mine to chiLL :] . omdais mine looked so wrong c0s of stupid bestie. ¬_¬
but it looked all good after :D cos im sick. :D but my co0kies looked burnt. and hay0s.. her one tasted BLAAAND. hahah :] s'all l0ve. it was funn making it.
then we watched s0me fcuked up film.. called shutter. omdaiiiiiis. fcukin screaming and all s0rts. and bestiie was s0 adorabLEss. "oh shiT. i have a feeling s0mething is gona happen" LOL haha. awwwHh.
but s0rry i couldnt hack it . so i went SLEEEP :D .
everyone had a bLanket each :]
and i d0nt know what time bestiie dcuked. c0s i was sleepin :D
but yeah that was my day :D it w0s siiiick.

n0w i'm g0in cLubbin latturrrh. and gReeenie is c0ming to do my haiir :]
x

stressedddddd

I'm getting stressed. ¬_____¬
STRESSED OUT.
make a list?
1. I hate. HATE. doing P.E
2. I'm getting FATTER THAN I AM. ¬_¬
3. I'm SLACKING nicely on C.W. wasting my time d0ing things like this. ¬_¬
4. I'M SO CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT TO DO .
5. I'm getting frustrated with people who are getting on my nerves
6. I'm spending too much money on bullshit.. (cept for my sexy heels)
7. I'm getting mad moodswings almost everyday
8. I'm on my REDS.
9. I'm getting belly aches and it fcuking hurts.
10. I want to go clubbing ASAP but not with per'riiicks.
11. I want to go cruising.
12. I want money. MONEY .
13. I'm GETTING CONFUSED about my _____________
14. Life is getting boring. I miss the girls and boys.
15. T.N needs to come back down LONDON!
16. I WANTED TO GO FRIGHTNIGHT but everyone is a broke bitch.
17. I need to lose weight
18. I need to lose weight.
19. I need to LOSEE WEIGHTTT !

Dilemma .

Much L0ve to "bestie" car and r0mantic princess.

The scenario.
Basically, I'm c0nfused. Just confused. One side of me wants to break it. The other side wants me to wait.
Not break it to just anyone. Break it to SOME CHOONG SEXY ARSE MOFO.
hahaha. And the other side wants me to wait. WAIT FOR HIM. wait for "the one".
There's never going to be "the ONE" and you can't just lose it to "ANYONE".
And plus, the odds of losing it to "the ONE" will cause problems, cause fall outs and all sorts. You'd probably end up regretting giving it to "the one".
I'm frustrated.

GIRLS VIEW (by Romantic Princess)
"It aint good, because you become addicted to it then you can't help yourself.(hmm i wonder how she knows ehh? ;] ) hahaha. LOL. you w0uldn't wanna lose it someone you like right?"

BOYS VIEW (by "bestiie" Car)
"I think u should lose it to someone you actually like?
because you will regret it in the long run...
Boys respect Girls that are a V
& Its hard to find girls that are still V nowadays you know.."

Hmm.. the similar thing about both, is that they d0nt want me to regret it. And they're expecting me to lose it to someone I like. But I don't want to. Cos I'm scared I might just end up hating the person. I'm scared that I might just end up loving that person. I don't know. I'm going to be a 40yearold VIRGIN. x

Today wasn't a VERYGOOD day.

You know what. Today just got me mad. Greenie was just pissing me off.. she wasn't listening to me. But you know what, I let her do what she does init.. cos like I don't want to be making people's choices for other people. So like, even if the people I love made the wrong choice, I'll always be there for them and never change the way I think or see them. (maybe think, "I TOLD YOU SO") but you know what mistakes are made to be learned ;]

And my so called "bestie" car, left me hanging. but we called it quits just now. He left me waiting in the rarsclart rain for him. Im just glad Greenie was with me, otherwise, PISSSSSED.

And my form tutor, omdaiiiis. She called me a CHAV. Since when did I look like a CHAV? You should llow it. Thats dead, she's tryna say I put my socks over my trackies and thinks it looks cool. DEADDDDD.

Anyways..
No song on this blog. But something to relate to this blog would be something like... hmmm.. Like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters.. x

Inspiration <3

People in the World..
The inspiration to my life and will always be... x

First of all, my inspiration is my mom.
Even though at times, she gets me so frustrated that I feel like getting grey hair everytime she has a go at me or she thinks she still 20 years old. She will always be my inspiration.
Having 6 girls, meaning my 5 beautiful sisters and me.. and bringing us all up with the shadow of my dad. I love her so much that sometimes I feel that I'm grateful that she's my mom.
No matter how many problems arise, she cares for me and loves me always and forever. ♥

My Sisters <3
Every single one of them, show me what life really happens when you mess it up at this age. They want me to do well, and they want me to enjoy every moment of my childhood. Even though at times, they talk down on me as if I'm immature and I've come from another planet... they never fail to keep me smiling. I love the fact, each and everyone of them can understand that I want to go uni, I want to become something. And whatever holds me back, they make me wake up and see what's really happening in life. Without them, life would be 10 times harder than it already is.

My nieces <3
Taila, Alexandra and Elizabeth and (soon to arrive) MuiMui..
I loved you naturally, I'll love you always.. I'll forever love you as a niece and I'll always be there for you. Don't think when the world gets tough no one will be there for you in your teenage years. I'll promise you now that I will be there for you, and to support you whatever happens in the future. I don't want you to become afraid and not confident to say how you feel like me.. I want you to open up to me and tell me what's wrong. I love you babies forever and ever. And when you guys grow up, I'll show you what love I mean <3>

My Girls, Longlost and Forever there
Girls like
H.L, J.L, M.T.N, R.S, S.N, C.C, D.D, S.L, S.H, K.H, X.T, C.T, T.D, L.D, L.G, C.L, J.M, A.V, C.H
there might be more.. ♥

Even though there's some I hardly talk to now or just don't talk at all.. I'd just like to say thank you for being there when you was there for me. Thanks to you gyallies, I've been able to find who I am, and what type of girl I really am. With your crazy funky stories, you've made me laugh so hard that my belly wouldn't stop hurting.. With all the caring advice you've given me, I never thought I could overcome situations that put me through pain and confusion. For just being there, and all those link ups and just listening to my problems and just making jokes about things that made all my worries go away. The gossip and the funny details.. and in some cases right now.. the JUICY details.. ;] The partying, the going out, the regular link ups on a saturday or the bunking days.

Just wanting everyone to know. I still got love for all of yous. Thanks to every single one of you. You made me realise the true girl in me. ♥

My boys, The homies I'm thankful to have met.
Boys like; T, T, T, J, D, M, P, M, B, K, J, P

Life isn't so dull without you guys you know. I practically own bare love for every single one of you. You guys being a part of me is like .. I'm such a lucky girl . haha.. Yep yep, you know mimii, the gay weird one. As long as I can get smiles on you's lot faces, I don't really care how stupid I look. You guys make me smile everytime I'm with you lot. Its natural. When I'm upset, I know the place to go, because when I leave that place, I smile big smiles. You guys mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot. I don't know how dead life would be without you's. And even though there are things that you guys can frustrate me with.. I don't mind anymore, because I want y'all to make your own choices knowing that I will be every step behind you whatever you's do. And whenever you guys ever trip up and buckle on the floor, I'll promise not to laugh and pick you up like you pick me up when I'm down. Even if you ended up in prison, WHICH I HIGHLY HOPE NOT =( .. I'd visit every opportunity and I won't blame you and see you differently just because you're there.
Thankyou for being there for me, the good times and even the bad.
Mimi gots bares loves for yous . x

My Teachers

Thank you for giving me the chance to show off who I can be at school. The girl who wants to succeed and get far in life, finally in school and putting her head down and working hard. Thank you for not giving up on me and giving me all the help I need to sail through school... and pass all my exams. Thank you for giving me hope, giving me the confidence that I DO have the potential to pass and gain the grades I should be getting. Pushing me to the limit. Making sure I'm in school everyday, Making sure I challenge myself, Making sure I understand every detail until I cant forget it.
Thank you for the support you give me.. thank you always x

Famous people *
Tyra Banks <3>
Alexandra Burke - "never stop what you love doing most, try, try and try again"
Sir Alan Sugar - "You can start from the bottom, and always get to the top, when you put your back into it"
Leona Lewis - "Don't let a simple life stop you pursuing your talents and your dreams"
Kimora Lee Simons - "Make life 'fabulous' as possible"
Denise Richards - "Everyone has their flaws, just need to accept that everyones not perfect"
Gwen Stefani - "Originality, shows the real you. Be different, it makes you stand out"
Britney Spears <3 - "No matter how hard you fall, pick yourself up and dust off your shoulders"

Drivin' myself Insane.. <3

So is this it?
Should I give up and walk away from you? What happens if I want to come back to you one day? Would you welcome me with open arms.. or are you going to leave me alone and push me away with all the excuses in the world?

Don't tell me what I want to hear.. tell me the truth.. Even if I cry, tell me how you feel. Tell me if you want me, tell me if you dont.. don't lie and hurt me later on. I know the answer, I just want to hear it from you... I don't want anyone else to tell me how you feel.. I want you.
Make it clear to me.. make me realise I'm wasting time and there's no point.. put it in my head you're not worth waiting for.. getting hurt for.. make me realise that there's better than you.
Make me realise that there will never be a US again. Just tell me how you feel..
I bet you don't even realise my feelings for you.. I bet you forgot all about me and moved on like snapping your fingers. Do you even remember the memories we had? Even if you did, I bet you tried to forget it.. I'm nothing to you right? I'm just a girl. But how comes, even if I think that you see me as "just a girl", I'll always see you as the one I actually want to fall in love with? .. Or wait.. have I fallen already? Too deep that I just can't understand why you don't feel the same way? No matter how high I climb to get out of love for you.. I fall to the bottom whenever I think of you, and how we used to be.
Every night, as weird as it seems.. I try my best to look for that shiniest star and make that one wish. Are you going to be the one that makes it come true? Or are you going to be the one who breaks my hopes on all the wishes I've made in the sky?
Posting a blog, isn't even half what I feel, it's just a fraction of what I feel. It doesn't even limit the sky.
No matter how much I want to tell you how I feel, I become MUTE that I can't even bring myself to even saying one word to you.
Isit Love or just an Illusion? Isit Love or isit just Lust? Do you remember me and how we used to be?
Do you still think of me? Or isit me only thinking of you?

I'm so lost... I need you to tell me.. tell me .. x

The Start of the New Blog <3

Much love to hazeL for introducing this site to me <3
Maybe on here, I'll have the chance to express the way I see me.. and how I feel and what I think.. I'll probably create nicknames aswell, so you nosy parkers won't know too much.

Anyways, how was my day?
School was dreadful.. mad moodswings.. and thinking of jc* too too much. I just can't stop thinking about him? I miss him terribly =[ ... I wonder if I'll ever be the girl who will cry for him? Shut down my pride and tell him how I feel.. not be afraid of rejection.. not be afraid to cry infront of him.. break down and shout at him for making me feel this way.. Make him understand that he's the only one that's ever got me so hooked onto something. I don't even know what that something is.

"I Wanna Know What Loves Like
I Never Really Been In Love
Like Romeo And Juliet
Cupid Doesnt Know Me Yet..#"

I know me and him = impossible. It's never gonna ever ever ever be the same again. You know what.. I know it's impossible.. but what makes it so hard for me to let go? What makes me hold on to something that isn't even there? Why am I still wishing there could be a second chance? Do I deserve a second chance? Sometimes, I wonder if it's because, what would have happened if we lasted longer? What if I told you I fell for you deeply? What if I told you, "I've never felt this way before" ? Would you put me on lock? Would you have treated me with more love?
I'm just contemplating, why me? Why did you choose me? Out of all the girls in the world, you chose me in that moment of time?... And even now.. What Am I To You? Do you see me differently... or will you always see me as the girl you fell for? Do you look through your eyes and see me as the girl who you could talk to, or do you see me 'just a girl i know'... I regret it sometimes you know.. I felt so broken when we lost everything in this risk.. Hmm.. Nevermind.. I guess it was just meant to be right? <3 Hopefully someday you'll realise just how I felt at THIS moment of time..

Dedicated to you..