Staring at the bigger picture. x

Hmm, I'm so... indescribable.
I don't exactly know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's like the fog of my overcasting cloud is finally evaporating. The questions I used to wonder about have finally woken me up.
I've realised the people I thought who were just there were just there to see me fall and break... are actually the angels that heaven sent.
I used to like my bestfriend, I used to feel something different from him... now because of yesterday, I've realised, it wasn't that sort of like. It was just a different type of bond. Which I mentioned to him once. "Family Love" "Welcome to my family"
Now looking back from what we've been through, it's true, he's just like a brother to me.
Whenever I call him, we'll talk about our day, who made us upset or what's upsetting us. We'd go to detail and we'd just laugh things off. We even used to talk till the morning until one of us wants to go sleep... which most of the time is him! But I don't blame him, he's always tired.
When I want to go cruising, he would make an effort to come, even if he's tired... and even if he's got work in the morning.. he would still try come.
If I'm in trouble, or I call him, even though he takes timmmmeee to pick up and I need him to pick me up he would come, even if he was like 10 hours late, he would still come.
Me thinking that I liked him, was natural, because I'm a girl. But finally seeing the bigger picture, actually shows, I liked him because he treats me like a little sister. And he would be there for me. And I would be there for him.
I randomly text him, to say "heads up all smiles" because a negative person like that needs someone like me in their life :] .
And it's funny how he always reminds me when I don't seem to holla at him no more!
"See how you dont holla no more" is like his quote if we aint talked for a week.

Anyways, he's a little twat but I got bare love for my "anh". Feels weird knowing that he's like a brother to me now because, only just before that conversation he was my bestfriend.
But oh wells, I prefer being his little sister because therefore he has to look after me more.. and that don't mean putting me on lock!

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Yesterday was a day when it could've been something. It could've been something meaningful. 7/11/08... Sometimes I wonder if the number 7 means something to him... I wonder if he remembers what the number 7 brought between us.
I regret giving up what we had, and I'm glad that we took the risk for such a small moment that actually changed our lives to how it was never going to be the same again.
I wanted to scream your name, and I wanted to confront my feelings, and I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you because I felt cold, I felt broken, I felt that everything was my fault, I felt that I made the wrong mistake, I felt that I wasn't good enough for you.
I really wanted to hate you, but as much as I hated you, I missed you. I actually missed you. Listening to slowjams was the only thing that kept me sane.. because it sang my feelings, it said the things I wanted to tell you.. the things that made me wonder what we could have been... and why was I feeling this way.
Everytime I thought I've given you up, let go, forgotten about you, it feels there's something pulling me back. I tried so hard not to bother about you. I tried so hard to forget you. I tried so hard to think of reasons why you were gone..
But why isit that every attempt I give, I've never really been able to achieve forgetting you. Okay, let's not go on about "forgetting" obviously it's hard to forget you, you practically know most of the people I know. So durh mimiii.
At the end of the day, I've been living life pretty fine without you, still living life wondering if "us" was a mistake or destiny. But you're like a shadow in my life, you appear when you want to, but your actions are still distant from me.
If you ever think I've given up on you. I haven't.. just that the feelings might not be the same as it used to be. How I feel now about you, is like the matrix, so many unwritten and unsolved codes that I don't know who you really are to me. Just that, when you're down, I'm always willing to be there, but... don't take advantage of my kindness! I am human and I do have feelings and I'm a girl with hormones! hahaha.
And I've always wondered. Do you see me as a friend or as an ex? HmmMm.

Anyways... sorry I havent updated in a while.
Currently ILL.. "get well soon!" <3