The blog where everything comes out.

Last year, June 2010.
To this very day, to forever, I will always regret having an abortion. But I promised myself, that I would not give up my smiles & laughter over a huge mistake I'll always regret. It was heartbreaking, and it haunts me so badly I wish I could have done things the way I wanted to, instead of absorbing all the negativity around me. I wish I could say "I'm over it" but I'm just not. & I don't know if I'll ever be. In a way, finding out I was pregnant, somehow at that moment in time completed me. It gave me more reasons to live for, and to be a better person. But since then, I've been trying to find myself, trying to stay positive for myself and everyone around me.

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.. Also, I found out my sister, was pregnant last year about 3months after I went through an abortion. It was really hard to sink in, and accept the fact she wanted to keep it. Like how I wanted to keep mine. & then my family accepted it, which I must say... pains me a lot. I'm probably to be honest, still hurting. No, I'm not jealous of my sister, it's just me & her are totally different, she's done a lot of fxcked up things, and she gets away with it. Whereas, the things I do, aren't as major & I can't even slip by without having anything? .. & comes the time, one irrational mistake happens, I happen to be pregnant, and I honestly & truthfully want to keep MY baby, my dreams tore me away. It really did leave a remarkably huge scar in my heart. I know time will heal pain, but this pain can't help but sting my broken heart. Every day I tell myself, "It was the right thing to do", but why do I feel everyday, I made a huge mistake & I could never ever take it back. My heart is in pain, and I could never express how much I'm hurting because I know myself, and what I went through was hell and back, & then back to hell again. Abortions are cruel, it's just an easy way out, it's like a rubber, you erase the mistake, but you can still see the smudges on paper.

Anyways, somewhat and some form I had to let it out. And for you heartless bitches who says "get over it!" .. try put your feet in my shoes and try take a fxcking walk through my life.

TEARS OF A TRULY BROKEN HEART.

okay, it was my fault to call the so called break.
but this break is breaking me. breaking me so bad, i feel like crying every single tear in my heart and soul because we're not the same people we fell in love with anymore, i miss you so soo soo soooooooooooo much and the thing is, i want to give you space, and let you miss me, but why do you have to miss me if i'm already here?

have your feelings changed? am i here just until you find someone else? i'm crying so much right now, like it's really killing me to see the person I want to be with, and the person I love push me away. Yes, we're working it out, but you don't know how crap i feel when you told me "we're just friends getting back together" after we did what we did.

I love you, i do, but if you could only know how much pain im going through right now, and if you could only know how sorry I am, and how much I want you to be the same guy I fell for, the same guy I love, the same guy I see when I look at you. I hate myself so much right now, yet you don't see how much pain i'm in. I don't know if you're in pain, but I just think you set your barriers really high, and I'm just so scared that I can't reach them or break them down.

I did you wrong in the past, and now MY PREVIOUS ACTIONS are haunting you, and letting you believe i'll do the same, but please please please please, don't make me believe you'll do something to haunt me, i'm so sorry. i'm sorry, but please just let me know we're gonna be okay, or give me just a sign or hope that we are, because i need to know that we are, cos i just don't wanna hurt anymore, i just dont.
i know i shouldnt be crying, but i'm really dying inside.

mister thuoc van philip quach.

i l o v e y o u*

thank you so so so so so so much for literally everything! everything! & everything! you're so special, like heaven sent me an angel.
there's nothing in the world to describe how much you mean to me right now, forever and always.

i love you baby, as many times as I keep falling, you're always there to pick me up and make me see sense.

in this world, you're like my nathan scott but better, and CHINESE/VIETNAMESE! LOL!!! xo <3

chase the dream, but how?

have you ever been stuck in your life, where everything isn't going right, and you don't know where exactly you're heading to in life?

It's like your heart is trying to tell you something, something you desire to know, but you can't understand what your heart is telling you. I'm a really complicated girl, but my heart believes I'm just an out of the ordinary simple minded girl. I do admit, I make simple, complicated. Which is a disastrous flaw I own, and because I have that, my mind is on a 24/7 rollercoaster.

I am a worrier, no not a WARRIOR, I worry alot, about things that doesn't even concern me! I do that a lot actually.

But my dreams seem so out of reach, and I'm just wondering how in the world am I going to succeed in them. I can't tell myself it's impossible, because that's giving up. It is possible for me to, but my heart only wants one dream while I want to succeed in another.

Deep within my heart, it desires, craves and wants me to create another beating heart. Yes, in other words, have a baby. It neglects the negative opinions about my age, my status, my occupation, my friends, my social life and my education. It's so hard to explain that to anyone, because all they do is talk me out of it, well try.
Not every woman wishes for independence, I think the greatest thing for a woman is to be able to start a new life. And I want that.

Okay, my mind is disfunctioning, because it's getting clouded by a load of crap. :) loads to tell, but not much to type. x

you leave the past, to move on with the future.

Welcome, 2010.

Life's definately different..

I begin the year with my boyfriend, leaving behind the people I thought that would never ever leave my side...

I can't even put it into words in what I'm feeling... It's like, I don't feel comfortable with who I am or where I am, I don't feel me anymore.
It's like, I'm living in a strangers body. Crazy is what it seems, but I want to find my middle ground, and feel the warmth inside of me again.

It seemed that the previous year had went by so quick, but if that's what it seemed, how come the worst moments replay in slow motion through my head? I miss Tolga & Jason. Almost 3/4 years. Gone. Finished. "We used to talk, now we act like we hardly know eachother". =(

&& then there's my FIRST for MOSTthings Boyfriend, Philip Quach.
I thank him so much for his willingless to be with me, his endless love and care for me after all I put him through. He inspires me, to fight for what I love, to take chances, and most of all, learning to trust.
I don't know how lucky I am, to have a guy that wants me as much as he does. I love him for all that he is, and I'd hate to rub salt into the wound that I never thought I had done. I want to give him all my heart but... I'm so scared to jump. So so so so scared. I love him, I trust him and I want him, but I don't know if I can really do it. Cos when I'm falling, who's going to catch me?

s a v e m e.

The translation to a complex heart.. x

RJ HELTON. - Missing Me.

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me..#

J HOLIDAY - Fly

I know people change but I hate we've changed.
And its killing me trying to figure out where we are.
Cause it aint the same, girl I'll take the blame.
And I'm willing to take this chance that you feel we've traveled too far.
Lord knows I wanna keep you, life without you I just can't see it.
But sometimes you gotta let love be what it's gonna be.

I'ma let you fly and pray you come back to me cause I do believe.
If I let you fly then you fly back, then it was meant to be.
So fly, fly, fly, fly..#

AVRIL LAVIGNE - When you're gone

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you..#

BOBBY TINSLEY - Time

I got time
If my time is spent waiting on you
Then I got time
And I'm never going anywhere
As long as you love me then
I got time
And I'm gonna be waiting on you
Then I got time
And I'm never going anywhere..#

FRANKIE J - Drivin' Myself Insane

Why... did I have to fall in love with you?
(¿Cómo me haces falta tú?)
When I know without you I can't function no more
And you,.. you'll never look at me the same
You know it's really drivin' me insane
When I know without you I can't function
(¿Cómo me haces falta tú?) ..#

DESTINY'S CHILD - Emotion

It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight..#

UTADA HIKARU - First Love

the paused time is
about to start moving
there's many things that I don't want to forget about

tomorrow, at this time
I will probably be crying
I will probably be thinking about you

you will always be inside my heart
you will always have your own place
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song...#

Too Lost In You. x

He's all I want ... times infinity. x

I've got time, if my time's spent waiting on you. x

Throughout out it all, throughout everything we've been through, I just can't and I stubbornly won't let him go for nothing. I don't want to && even if I have to hurt forever, i won't leave him behind.

If memories are the only things I can cherish between us, I hope someday, that there will be a day, not only one, but a lifetime where we both can create as many happy && sad memories as possible.

He's the guy, I'd never thought he'll leave, the guy I could always run to, the guy that has that sweet spot for me, just for me. The guy who's sweet, but doesn't like to show much. The guy who has aspirations and loves to have fun. The guy that I need and want in my life. The guy that makes me smile big grins whenever I see him. The guy that I could talk to about ANYTHING and the guy I can trust with all my heart. The only guy, that I could honestly say I love you with my whole entire heart. x

If one day, you happen to read this. If you only knew what I'm going through, a life without you has too many dead ends T. && I need you to hold my hand to make a corner.

I love you T. x

I know that people change but I hate how we've changed. x

Another Letter To You. X

I would be lying if I said I don't need you, that I hate you && that you were a waste of time. I would be lying if I said I was okay without you and I'll meet someone like you. But without you, my life doesn't get any brighter because you took away my sunshine without knowing it.

If you still know me, then you know that I rarely feel the way I'm feeling now, I don't express how I feel and my pride stops me from doing that. But if I have to lose my pride, give up things for another chance of seeing you and being with you again, I'd do anything.

Because T, I don't feel right without you. And if what I'm feeling is wrong, I dont want to be right, cos seriously... you're on my mind twenty four seven.
I know it's hard for me to be one of these girls who get cheesy and all sorts, but I truly mean what I say. I don't know what else to do, or think. You've probably forgotten about me, but I havent forgotten about you. Not one bit. I deleted your number, only to stop me from contacting you.. because if I did, I know I'd only be even more hurt by your cold reactions..

Finally, I miss you to the point that all I can do is miss you 100%. And if I could tell you, silly of me to do so, that I love you. Throughout everything we've been through. I love you T. I honestly do. x

Love, Mimi. x

Peak Point of a Breakdown

I can't take it anymore. I just can't pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. I shouldn't have to lie about how I'm feelin' and cover up how I feel. I feel LOST. DISTRAUGHT and seriously just taken over by the verge of GIVING UP.
I'm going crazy. Going mad. I don't know what to do or I don't know who to turn to.
I don't say more than 2 words at a go and its hard to keep a conversation. I just can't seem to want to let people in. I don't want to know what's going on. I'm not bothered about anything. I'm fallin' into this deep place where I can't see the bottom. So how am I supposed to get myself back up?
Every minute, I'm sheddin' those tiny tears because I don't know what to say or do anymore. No. The world is not against me, nor has it given up on me. But why do I feel like I've given up on myself?

It's this SCENE. i need to change it. I need to get away. I don't want to be here. I just want to get away. far away. far far far away. I want to leave && be forgotten. x

Not in the mood to type.

headstart to a bright life. :)

the intensity of wantin' to let go isn't helpin' but the thought of lettin' go is becomin' more convincin' by the second..

It's complicated trying to be myself... my mind works in a crazy way, trying to find answers for everythin'.. havin' that negative & weirdly positive optimistic look to life makes me ten times the weird person I truly am.

But as much as I think about it, typing it all down isn't really going to crack the code to how my mind works, it's just the way it is.

Few weeks/months ago, I was under a dark grey cloud, and you know what that means right... NEGATIVE. && to feel that way is surely a difficult explanation when feelin' down has no cure when there is no answer.

But after realization, and probably a bump in the head, you realise that time is tickin' and people who are there for you, are just put there because of fate, and when they leave you it hurts, not "it can hurt".. IT HURTS. Because of all those lovin' memories that you share between them is the only thing that makes you hate the fact that memories is all you ever have left with the people you loved and makes you love the fact that the memories you had can never ever be erased within your heart.
That's exactly what I mean, the negative & positive clashing, if I can find reason for both sides then where exactly do I stand. I can't seem to take sides for anything, or anyone. It's just not my nature. I don't judge. I used to because I didn't understand the meanin' of prejudice.

Anyways, the more I think about it, the more I fall in love with it, I'm MIMI. the girl who can stand her ground, isn't afraid to let down her guard ONCE in a while.. the one who's mature but fun and crazy at the same time. The one who knows right from wrong, doing the things that she WANTS to do and supporting all the people that she loves and TRULY loves with all her heart even if they let her down. The one who has those mad bitchfits because of a reason that she can sleep off. The one that is there for the people that need her, the one that doesn't want to burden all of her friends/family in sorrow that she's going through because SHE KNOWS she can get over it herself.. the one who just waits JUST incase they might show up.. the one who can be upset, lost, lonely inside and hurt.. but still manages to pull a brave face outside. The one who laughs at almost everything that she remembers that's funny..

I know that all those people who have left my life, my storybook, left because of fate, because it was where our journey stopped, ended or even paused for unanswered and undiscovered reasons. But lookin' forward is the new trend of lookin' back. xx

Keepin' MY HEAD up. :)

Lovin me. Mimiilicious BABYYYYYYYYY. X

there's never a right time to say goodbye.. x

Dear T.
I've come to realise, waiting and hopin and wishin and thinkin about US is not goin' to change one single little tiny thing of what has happened between us.
Deep down, I MISS YOU. i miss you so fuckin' much that when i miss a second of not thinkin' bout you, i miss you even more.
I'm not hooked, don't ever ever think that i'm hooked on you. It may seem like it.. but I'm getting through my days and smiles.

It's hard you know, to let go. It really is, as hard as I am trying to hold on to you, is like trying to hold on for nothin'. I've had hope, I've been patient, I've been wishin on stars, I've constantly been thinkin' about the WHAT IFS.
But you know what, I really don't deserve this... I feel like out of all those good things you done for me, you was just gettin ready to shoot me down.

But then again, I am so thankful and so grateful to have met such a person like you, you've helped me through my downs in so many ways and I love you for that. You made me smile and we have so many memories that I will never ever forget.

If only I could have let go as easily as you did. Because, the situation I'm in now, I'm totally lost. I don't know what to say to people, when I say I'm fine.. am I really? I lost myself a truly great angel because of an idea which never worked. I'm so sorry for all the things I've done to you... I'm sorry that I couldn't have been a better friend... and I'm sorry that things has turned out the way it has...

But I'm sorry because I have a life to live aswell... and your shadow in my life isn't helpin me... LOL it sounds like you've died or somethin'.. (touch wood!) anyways.. I got life to live. I can't miss you. I gotta miss other people too you know. :)

So, T. my cute soljah boy. Keep that head up. Goodbye.

Love Mimilicious .x